Horse-Cock: A Life In 27 Inches - Esoteric Chat https://esoteric.chat/7910/horse-cock-a-life-in-27-inches/ horse Mon, 15 Jul 2024 17:14:27 +0000 eso johnswan https://esoteric.chat/post/37989/ <p>Forward to the Revised Second Edition of Horse-Cock: A Life In 27 Inches</p><p>In recent months, some particularly vicious critics have challenged the truth of my best-selling memoir, Horse-Cock: A Life In 27 Inches. These accusations cut me deeply. Horse-Cock is a memoir, the true story of my life. Condemning it isn&#39;t just attacking my writing - it&#39; attacking my life itself.</p><p>The New York Times has published extensive refutations of 322 of the 325 pages of Horse-Cock, citing hundreds of eyewitnesses who vehemently disagree with my interpretation of the events described. Let me just say this in my defense - I guess I remember things differently. History will judge me. History and the 43 individual lawsuits I&#39;m currently facing.</p><p>But there is one truly vile accusation that I simply can&#39;t ignore by burying my head in a pillow stuffed with mescaline. It&#39; perhaps the most serious one because it challenges the foundation on which my entire life is built. The accusation is this - that I do not in fact have a 27-inch horse-cock.</p><p>Until six months ago, I wouldn&#39;t have even dignified this spurious claim with a verbal response. I would&#39;ve simply unzipped my fly and dropped my 27-inch horse-cock onto the shoes of my accuser. Unfortunately, three events have happened recently that force me to approach these once baseless claims with more delicacy.</p><p>It&#39; well-known among music industry insiders that the majority of female recording artists keep a full-grown wolverine inside their vaginas at all times. This fad was started by Fiona Apple in the early 1930s, but these days a list of Grammy winners for best female vocalist is also a list of women with wolverines in their vaginas.</p><p>Now, as a humble memoirist, unversed in the ways of glamorous musicians, I was unaware of this fact. So it never occurred to me, before inserting my horse-cock into Ashlee Simpson&#39; vagina backstage at this year&#39; Golden Globes, to ask whether she&#39;d remembered to remove her wolverine. Sadly, in her narcotic haze, she hadn&#39;t. The result being, 8 inches were bitten off my horse-cock by the underfed beast.</p><p>The encounter will be documented on Ashlee&#39; next album, in the song &quot;My Vagina, Your Abattoir&quot;.</p><p>At the time, this wasn&#39;t a problem - after all, anything above 16 inches technically qualifies as a horse-cock, so I had a good 3 inches of leeway.</p><p>But then I got into a knife-fight with the President of Iran. You see, I was on a top-secret diplomatic mission in Tehran when my squadron was captured and tortured - mostly getting slathered with honey and pelted with wasp nests, nothing unmanageable. But to save my squadron I was forced to duel with Iran&#39; crazed President, Mamoud Ahmadinejad.</p><p>We were both stripped nude and given butterfly knives, as is the Iranian custom. But my foe was unaware that my horse-cock has the flexibility and strength of a prehensile tail. Feinting left, I deflected his thrust, dropped my knife and caught it in mid-air with my horse-cock. Unfortunately, a sudden gust of desert wind threw off the knife&#39; rotation as it dropped and my horse-cock grabbed it by the blade instead of the handle. That unavoidable error caused 9 inches to be sliced off my horse-cock.</p><p>Not to worry, I still bested President Ahmadinejad by directing the geyser of blood spurting from my severed horse-cock into his eyes, blinding him long enough to cut out his kidneys and feast on them while he writhed at my feet, as is the Iranian custom.</p><p>But this noble duel cost me dearly - at 10 inches I no longer technically had a horse-cock. It was more like, I don&#39;t know, a donkey-cock.</p><p>Still, 10 inches - pretty sweet. Or at least it was, until my recent trip to space.</p><p>I learned two important things on that trip. One, if you&#39;re ever on an emergency space-walk to repair a crucial sensor damaged during a meteor storm, and a seal tears on your gorgeous astronaut assistant&#39; air-hose, many times the only solution is to risk your own life by whipping down your space-pants and furiously ejaculating into the torn air-hose, thereby sealing it and saving her from imminent implosion.</p><p>Two, in such an instance, always remember to pull up your space-pants before slamming the airlock door closed, because if your cock is larger than the NASA-approved 6 inches the steel-reinforced airlock door will more than likely chop 4 inches off your formerly-horse-cock.</p><p>Suffice it to say, lesson learned.</p><p>Well, I guess I actually learned three things - if you&#39;re going to have emergency cock-reconstruction surgery, pay full price. No matter how big the discount, it&#39; not worth the infection. If anyone knows what this creamy purple stuff is that I&#39;ve been urinating for the past few weeks, please drop me a line care of my publisher.</p><p>My point being, while I did in fact have an according to Hoyle horse-cock - a borderline monster-cock, falling just shy of the 30-inch monster-cock cut-off point - through no fault of my own I&#39;m now in possession of a just slightly above-average cock.</p><p>For many of my fans this revelation may be upsetting. But please keep in mind that at 6 inches, my cock is still a full half-inch over the 5.5 inch national average and as such I feel the horse-cockian point of view that&#39; defined my life hasn&#39;t changed.</p><p>I may have lost 21 inches, but I&#39;ve won something far more valuable - an understanding of the common, just slightly above-average cocked man. Women unfortunately remain a mystery. A tantalizing mystery that I believe can only be solved through vaginal penetration and my own crippling fear of commitment.</p><p>By purchasing this memoir, you&#39;ve seen beyond the tyranny of facts and allowed me to penetrate the moist, gaping vagina that is your mind with a rock hard 27-inch horse-cock of partially embellished semi-truth. For that I thank you, my publisher thanks you, and the ghost of my severed horse-cock thanks you.</p> Fri, 15 Dec 2023 05:41:23 +0000 https://esoteric.chat/post/37989/