Esoteric Chat

I have made my will and testament, and in it I confide!

I hope this letter finds you well. This is a compilation of letters that I have written over these past few months. First– I do not expect for you to read them all, or any of them, for that matter. It must be understood that the principle reason for my writings is to let flow the constant stream of ideas from out of my head, for I have developed the habit of obsessing over things until they go transcribed, or written in paper– and, after the fact, for them to have potentially been understood the foreign party. As such, I do not expect for the majority of what I have written to make any sense because it is purely an uninhibited stream of consciousness; draw your own conclusions, you may! There is a certain comfort in knowing that my feelings have been put in writing seeing as it is easier for me to write about them than to express them in person. Second, I understand that my handwriting is not particularly easy to make sense of, for which I must admit my own faults by way of writing in a style that is easy to make sense of insofar as it is on the eyes.

To give some sense of chronology: I am writing this preface on the last month of the year 2023, December, and the first letter will have been written three months prior. Over this span of time, various states have invoked, or brought upon, the desire to sit down and write at my scriptorum, which is a place where letters are written. Because you have had such hasty exposure to things I have said [redacted] you may think me a disturbed individual, if not one who is ill. And so, I must assure to you that most of the literary garbage which I spew unto you and others is fictitious; much of what I say, and this may also apply to the real world, is utter nonsense. There are several reasons for this; by and large, it is easier to spew nonsense because I must not grapple with the ulterior meanings, or the connections made inside of my head that cannot go fully realized until its phrasing has been rendered in public. Furthermore, I am able to recall that, when we first crossed paths, I said things that were most insulting, and when you questioned our relations I was reminded of all the scrupulous remarks that we exchanged with one another. To this I must give my most sincere apologies! It is hard to believe that we have been acquainted for over a year, for it does not seem so very long ago when we first became aware of each other, and this puts into question my perception of time, but I digress. Since then I have divulged a great many detail about my personal life, to which you have reciprocated with truthy details about your own, and so this bond that has been struck may be one of the closest that I have known for many years. We have gone from sparring over each other's characters to having occupied the most dire of spaces in the back seat of the mind.

It is at this point where I have been making a habit of these writings for quite some time. It should not be long before I send them to you and in doing so I will have [redacted]. My greatest concern is in how you will react to the potential overflow of information which I have let rush through you! That is, if you have any interest in reading them, and I do not subscribe to the idea that you will certainly be interested; it is completely understandable if you are not, for, as previously stated, the principle nature of these letters is to bring order to my chaotic innards. [redacted] I am confident that you remember this for your memory has proven to be reliable. Indeed, I may have been manipulative in some way or another! I did this precisely because I wanted to see how you would react, for you spoke beforehand about [redacted] and so I became uncertain about the fact of the matter. As such, when you said [redacted] I once again became certain of the certainty to which I was greeted with surprise of my fortune. Nevertheless I have in turn developed [redacted] which prompted to me to see how you would react, if at all, to the knowing that I had struck [redacted]. In actuality there was no [redacted] to speak of and this I made evident in my own way that you might not have picked up on. So when I was preemptively surprised, though not dissuaded, of your intentions not long after, for shortly before I was pondering as to how [redacted] without seeming intent on this outcome, I was thus glad that you signified the outcome of your own accord. I thoroughly acknowledged to myself that your presence would represent the time of my allocation and, for so long as I would be greeted with it again, may float in my head. Now I can say with certainty that, upon reflection of this short while, fortune has smiled upon me. [redacted] Regardless of the vehicle of communication–whether it be in person or paper–I do this to signify that our intents are reciprocated to the nth degree, and for that which has been left to interpretation you may draw your own conclusions!

When all is said and done I think you are a good person and are not as corrupt as you have made yourself out to be, or, at times, have portrayed yourself. The method and purpose which this portrayal serve is understandable, with it being part of the social order of things, and especially ingrained within the social circles in us reside. Alas, this is the way in which dignity is attributed and especially in the case of the [redacted]. If there is anything which I have learnt from participating in these social circles, it is that people seldom act in real life according to how they do [redacted] for the [redacted] is much like the mode of writing itself in that it is a place to shout into the abyss! That being said, I have penned myself into the deathly oblivion, for I am no longer able to ignore the mental transgressions which accompany my knowing you. If, at this time, you are aware of my will and testament then I think you would see me for what I question myself to be. No degree of human will can undo the sorrow which our ephemeral time spent has brought me in return for pondering over the enduring subject! It is my fault, and mine alone, for allowing myself to become invested in these deluded notions. You are a drawer full of makeup and rinses and things; you keep changing your moods like your earrings and rings – and I watch as you are pulled back and forth by the unwavering forces! Despite it all, I will miss your company for you have brought me such short-lived moments of joy in the most dire of moments, and the circumstances surrounding these moments may perhaps not go fully realized. Indeed, on every occasion in which I have extended my hand to yours, my life has been unreeling before my eyes, and to dull the pain of recognition I was thus compelled to recognize you instead. Let this not demean the value of our companionship but instead glisten it with the knowledge of what brought it to fruition. And yet, I am surrounded by people in the time of writing and I am still in sorrow. Lost to nothing is the eternal state of isolation that has encumbered me to this point. It has become painstakingly obvious that my life has been ordained in such a manner, and I know not what to do after having learned of your intentions other than to consider myself severely mislead and to dredge my own path.

I remain confident of the wafts of feeling that set aback my state. Perhaps this is just fate at play, although I find a tinge of irony in knowing that my will has been carried out, and never shall I forget how it has been carried! This is what separates the Greats from those who many only aspire to be great.

I hope this letter finds you well. This is the last time that I'll be messaging you, for I'm currently in a state of mental disarray that I have no real control over. Unfortunately, I am having a series of hallucinations that might have been brought on by several poor, mind-altering decisions that I made.

Over the course of these past couple of months I have been talking to a person that I recently discovered was not real. In fact, I had hallucinated my interactions with the person. The frequency of these hallucinations have been getting worse to the point where I can't go through a day without having some kind of hallucination that impedes my ability to think clearly. I'm afraid that parts of my mind are being changed as a result of these experiences, but now it's difficult for me to "put the words together."

So, this brings me to my point which is that I must stop talking to the lot of you. My communicating with you has only exacerbated my mental instability and I am hoping that being isolated from this community for some time will help repair the damage that has been caused to my brain.

I also cut off contact with a girl that I had been talking to for some time because I recently acknowledged that both of our personalities are deeply incompatible and in the most sordid way that if we were to keep being around each other then we would plunk from each other bits and pieces of our minds until there would be nothing left. In short, it is better for the both of us that we not speak to each other again, even though it brings me deep sorrow to abstain from talking to a person whose presence I enjoyed to the nth degree. I touched on this dilemma in the previous letter.

Since I am writing to myself for future posterity then only I will know about the truth of the matter, for I have led others to believe that I simply have no desire to communicate with them any further all the while only I know that it is for both our benefit. If I were to make public my mental state then it would undoubtedly have a negative influence on my career and livelihood, both of which are somewhat fragile at the moment. One week ago I wrote that in summation my life is inclined towards disappointment. I would like to think this not the case! I must take control of my own life, and to do this I have to make choices that I don't want to go through with. And so, here I am.

Mr Egg - go to this post

While reading this, I farted so hard that it stained my gaming chair. Looks like I will have to buy a new one (and some new pants)

You don't know what's uh the happening and so uh I don't think you uh have any right to uh say what's uh going on here.

That man may just be a half a man but that other half is my half man.

marbles - go to this post

I think OP is worried about death

I have stood closer to the ledge atop oblivion than I should ever like to be for so long as I can help it.

Lots of thyme stored in that little box but my arms are too short to reach out and grab it.