I am looking for a select few volunteers to participate in an extremely time-consuming and prolonged scientific experiment. We have developed machines which are trained to interpret human emotion and manipulate it. In this experiment, you will undergo a methodical application of suffering so as to weaken your resolve until you have kissed the lips of death. Because of the stringent nature of this experiment, it is not advised that everyone undergo it, and for this reason, we will require for volunteers to sign a binding legal contract with the Institute in order to waive liability.

The "madness machines" will direct a sound frequency at the base of your skull so as to drive you insane. When the madness begins to fill inside of your cranium, a hole will be drilled in your skull to relieve it. When it comes out of your mouth, it will be taped shut with duct tape that has been lightly treated with superglue. (The long-term effects of this treatment are irrelevant; we will graciously donate you a new mouth.)

We will isolate you from social interaction and convince you that everyone you know and love does indeed hate you. We will take away all forms of communication with the outside world, including Bluetooth handsets and pagers.

If you are interested, please call the following number: MAJOR - MINOR - MIDDLE

Thank you for your patience.

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